Here are several Guidelines for Parents of Teens that I find myself sharing often with parents.
* If you take away a teen’s valued possessions, as an appropriate consequence to undesirable behavior…example, computer, car, privileges to go to sleepovers, etc., be sure to have a plan about how the teen may EARN those items and privileges back. The parent needs to see the desired behavior prior to returning the items. It is important to clearly communicate the terms to the teen. If we don’t give them a chance to earn them back and we take away their privileges “forever”, it will begin to create a negative cycle of “hopelessness” for the teen.
* In the circumstances of a teen’s undesirable behavior, be sure to separate the behavior from the person. Communicate your extreme displeasure with the behavior and maintain your unconditional love for the person. You do not want to damage a teen’s spirit. ( or anyone’s spirit for that matter).
* Keep the consequences in alignment with the undesirable behavior. For example, forgetting to take out the trash does not match taking the teen’s car away as a consequence. Be mindful of attempting to come up with “natural” consequences for the undesirable behavior. For example, if the teen violates his/her curfew, then the natural consequence might be to be temporarily change the curfew time to an earlier time until the teen shows that they can abide by the house rules. Again, parents need to see the desired behavior prior to returning the privilege.
The teen years can be easier for teens and parents if parents are clear about their guidelines.